I have been on a journey for a while now – a journey of discovery, and in some senses, re-discovery.

It began nearly 2 years ago. I had been stepping into more and more leadership, being handed more and more responsibility and I realised that, with the growing leadership, my sphere of influence was also widening. If I’m honest, that slightly unnerved me. Alongside this, I was watching some leaders I loved and respected yet found myself thinking, “I don’t want to live like that and I don’t want to lead like that.” And in that moment the vital importance of good, intentional self-awareness became glaringly clear to me.

So I sought out a couple of my leaders whom I trust and asked where to start. And so it began.

This journey has taken me places I didn’t expect yet the way things and timings have intertwined and paralleled has reflected the involvement of Holy Spirit in every little detail. My choosing to be intentional in growing my self-awareness was a sort of surrender to the searching and transformation of God within me as he lovingly, carefully works on the canvas of my life, bringing to life the “masterpiece ” that Ephesians 2:10 speaks of.

More on that another time. This time I want to talk about Rich Mullins. If you are under a certain age, you won’t have a clue who I’m speaking of. If you’re curious, check this out.

One of the things I have recently discovered is that, at 44 years of age, I don’t fully know who I am. I have lived so much of my life trying to keep everyone around me happy, appeased and at peace ( so that I can then be at peace ), that there are quite a lot of things about myself and my desires, longings and preferences that I have fallen asleep to.

And yet, there are a few things, a few passions, values and perspectives that I have held since youth that are truly my own, most definitely not shaped by my parents or my church or the people who generally surrounded me. And I have been asking recently why, how. If not from the main influencers in my life, then how did those passions, values and perspectives shape and so deeply embed themselves as convictions within my young heart? And the answer this week finally came to me, completely catching me by surprise. Rich Mullins.

As a young teenager, I loved Rich’s music. My friends didn’t. He wasn’t “cool” ( not that Christian music has ever been cool – really ) amongst my peer group. But neither was I. His lyrics connected with my heart and my imagination. And like any teenager, I tried to find out all I could about this singer/songwriter whose music had captured me.

Rich’s life, who he was as a person, grounded and affirmed things I had intuitively felt more than known. Things that were not the popular American Evangelical church message at that time. Things like a life lived in following Jesus looks like getting our hands and feet dirty, it means identifying with and often living amongst the poor, the marginalised, the broken-hearted, pointing to Jesus rather than condemning behaviours. Things like God’s great passion for justice, especially racial justice. Jesus’ heart cry for unity.

As I watched Rich hold concerts in small churches in towns no one had ever heard of, standing up front in bare feet and ragged jeans, I came to know the power of a life lived in humility, always pointing to Jesus as the main vision, speaking words of grace that inspired heart transformation rather than condemned behaviour. His spoke and sung words as well as his own lifestyle choices and generosity challenged the cultural prosperity gospel of the time – which was really just the great American dream and pursuit of personal happiness wrapped in the religious cloths of ” faith & blessing.”

He introduced me to Brennan Manning, who then introduced me to Henri Nouwen. And he introduced me to the person of St Francis of Assisi, not just the almost mythical symbol of kindness to creatures that had captured the imagination of my childhood. These introductions only deepened my attraction to and appreciation for the Catholic Church, even though some of the biggest influencers in my life would have considered the Catholic Church all but pagan. And this attraction and appreciation lead me to the discovery of the ancient Celtic Church – the Church of the lands that had already somehow gripped my heart, even as a child.

Who I am today, my truest self, and the values and passions most dear to me, were largely either influenced by or linked to the influence of, Rich Mullins.

So I just wanted to honour Rich’s memory here and express my gratitude for how the way he lived his life enabled God to use him to influence and shape a young girl and unknowingly prepare her for her life’s calling in another country.

Rich had also done the painful work of self-awareness. And this enabled him to simply be himself, in bare feet and ragged jeans, and in that, point people to Jesus and the grace and freedom to be found there.

I pray I may do the same.